The Indoor Premier League is about to start its fourth season. It has developed from a small, cosy little tournament into a bristling sponsored Championship, to cater for the increasing needs of a growing club.
IPL’s beginnings were humble. Not much is known about the first tournament: no documentary evidence can validate its existence and only the alcohol-riddled brains of then-freshers Richard Paton and Benjamin Davies can provide any anecdotal evidence. This is partly because the season never finished. It was stopped two-thirds of the way through due to "player inactivity" however this correspondent believes it was considered the only way to prevent Davies’ franchise, runaway leader at the time and spearheaded by club legend Rameez "Rambo" Moidu, from winning the tournament. It is believed that the IPL’s great undercurrent of sportsmanship arises from this decision. Despite this, another season was commissioned and the IPL story was born.
In the same way that Blackadder became revered only after the second series, so the IPL was catapulted the tournament into the hearts and minds of a generation of university cricketers. The club was larger than it had ever been before and a new expanded tournament was therefore required. Seven teams fought it out to have their name inscribed on the new IPL Championship Trophy, and to go down in immortality (and immorality).
Noted megalomaniac Ben Davies, as captain of the Kebab King Kniteyriders, saw his cricketing stock mirror the economy as his team became the first winners of the Golden Box for worst team. It was thought that no-one would ever plumb the depths of cricketing incompetence achieved by the KKK.
It came down to a three-way fight with its dénouement during the final game of the season. Mark Blackburn’s Augustum Mughli Indians beat the Moscow Long Handles, they would win. A comprehensive Long Handles win would see them lift the trophy; any other result would see the Team of Whores victorious. Blackburn, whose life had become consumed by the tournament having played or officiated in nearly every game, was confident. However, he could not deal with the pressure as his side meekly folded for 42, then the lowest score in the tournament’s fledgling history. Tom Robinson’s Long Handles, starring a fresh-faced Sam Hillman, knocked the runs off easily to be crowned the first true champions of IPL.
After the IPL’s heady successes of the previous year, a lot was expected before the glitzy opening ceremony in Squirrels’ bar. Could it possibly be better than last year? Would last year’s stars reclaim their greatness or would new challengers emerge?
The excellence of Tuppers’ Titwanks and their undefeated season ensured that there wasn’t the exciting finale of IPL I. However, the Titwanks’ Grand Slam was no plain sailing. They required Faiz Khan to score the highest individual total in the history of the tournament (71* off 32 balls) to see off Rambo’s Rastafarian Retards and Ashley West had to put in an incredible all-round performance (as a ringer) to see off Moscow’s Manginas in the game which confirmed their Championship.
Many of the other eight teams at one point or another were considered in the hunt. Rambo’s Retards, the Cool Run-Outs, Moscow’s Manginas, the AU Sluts were all in and around the chasing pack all the way through. Despite Sam Hillman scoring in excess of 300 runs, Gary Glitter’s Barmy Army, led by IPL Chairman Will Symon, could not trouble the sharp end after starting with four consecutive defeats, gloriously redeeming themselves in an emotional triumph over Moscow.
The battle for the bottom however did go down to the last day, and Charming’s Seamen avoided the ignominy by selecting a team of A-group ringers, leaving the Dead-Woods in the place nobody wanted to be.
However, the Titwanks, with a win over the Dead-Woods in their final game thanks to a stunning innings under pressure from Will Fairlie, took all the glory from IPL II as the first team ever to go through a season having defeated all challengers. Will it ever be matched?
Coming soon... (anyone fancy writing a little bit?)